Positive thinking, motivational speaking, goal orientation and general go-getting are finally falling out of favour it seems. And about time too. For far too long wilfully papering over the cracks with rainbow illusions has insulated us from cold reality’s stimulating bite. In the continuing fallout from the sub-prime debacle it has become clear that the world can no longer remain airborne on the back of upbeat forecasts and sound financial hunches. Nope folks, we’ve all, except the bankers that is, just bitten the pavement and come face to granite with the grim realisation that you can’t live on a diet of graphs no matter how steeply they’re rising.
It seems an appropriate moment therefore, as membership of private gyms crashes through the floor like a fatty in a portacabin, to launch my new business enterprise. Without further ado may I introduce the revolutionary 21st century concept of Lethargy Counselling*
LC is no quick fix for today’s ills. No it is exactly not that. LC promotes the value of going nowhere as slowly as you possibly can. As Lethargy Councillor in Chief** please let me explain.
First of all as LCC I get 90% of all monies generated. Which is great because secondly, I thought it up, so as my franchisees you’ll have to pay me big bucks to teach you how to take money off others with this blinding scam. Make no mistake the person selling the tickets to this particular gravy train is me.
Thirdly you have to do what I say. But that shouldn’t be too hard because what I say you have to do is not much. Well nothing in fact. But you do have to do it in a very committed way. This means you have to seriously practise Lethargy, our core value, for quite a long time. During this phase of your induction you will be given the chance to enhance your own Lethargy Quotient*** by depositing large sums of money into my bank account. Regular is best but I will accept one off payments in excess of £10,000**** if cash flow is unpredictable.
Lethargy Counselling however is so much more than a mere moolah machine. In decades to come I am confident its benefit will be recognised by individuals and nations alike. For example look at Anglesey , just off the coast of North Wales
In this situation, without Lethargy Counselling the good people of Anglesey could squander their efforts chasing completely unattainable alternative job opportunities, not to mention other positivist illusions, leading to anguish and disappointment all round. Not only is this wasteful in terms of energy consumption, and every school child knows how important that is, but it is ultimately futile. After all this is North West Wales, where even Labour supporters fear to tread. And after the next election the country could be run by the Tories. Which could be the worst news for the island since the Romans arrived to rough up the druids .
With Lethargy Counselling families could be trained to embrace the wisdom of staying in, living off kebabs and Pepsi and watching tele. 'Our path,' as I like to call it, obviously offering a vastly more sustainable alternative will reduce disappointment to a minimum while saving energy at the same time.
I predict that once National Government understands the value of my technique the grants will flood in. And once we’re on to National Government level look at the possibilities come the election. Without LC the population could waste countless hours agonising over whether shaggy old Gordon can stand another four years in the bear pit or the boy David will grow a beard.
Without LC Gums could be gnashed in Tonbridge and pints spilled inPreston . G and Ts could even hit the parquet in Aberdeen
I predict that once National Government understands the value of my technique the grants will flood in. And once we’re on to National Government level look at the possibilities come the election. Without LC the population could waste countless hours agonising over whether shaggy old Gordon can stand another four years in the bear pit or the boy David will grow a beard.
Without LC Gums could be gnashed in Tonbridge and pints spilled in
I rest my case leaving you to visualise your own applications for this revolutionary technique. Just don’t say you weren’t offered the chance to invest. Which you can do now by forwarding 20 clean £50 notes in an unmarked envelope to LCC PO BOX 42, Dunscamming, Sussex SX6 9XS.
Just say ‘count me in’. You know it makes sense. This especially includes those of you who piled their money into the hedge funds of recent years. Come on admit it, you still don’t know how they worked do you?
Remember, the big advantage of signing up as a Lethargy Counsellor is that when it all goes pear shaped and what fortune you had left is reduced to shreds, at least you’ll have the skills to stop yourself caring.
Just say ‘count me in’. You know it makes sense. This especially includes those of you who piled their money into the hedge funds of recent years. Come on admit it, you still don’t know how they worked do you?
Remember, the big advantage of signing up as a Lethargy Counsellor is that when it all goes pear shaped and what fortune you had left is reduced to shreds, at least you’ll have the skills to stop yourself caring.
Act now. The price of booze is rising.
So that’s LCC, PO BOX 42, Dunscamming, Sussex SX6 9XS.
* LC to you, sailor.
** That’s LCC from here on in.
*** LQ for initiates. And remember the higher your LQ the more you can charge your own schmucks. Er sorry clients.
**** Add a zero if you’re a banker.
© Patrick Ellis
© Patrick Ellis
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